I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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