Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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