Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
