yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
