i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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