I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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