I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
