If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
