I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
