When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
