We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
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