so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
