1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
