I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
