this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
