can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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