I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
