i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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