Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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