Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
