So drunk its hurt
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Bring me that man meat
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
