I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
