hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
vagina is talking i cant
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
