My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
