it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
