Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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