Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
