And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
