we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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