There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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