I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
