Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
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Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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