I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
