Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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