I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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