i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
