it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
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I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
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Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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