did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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