Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
