Already got asked if we're dating
Redeem this text for a blowjob
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
