My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
