Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
