So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
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I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
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He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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