I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
