No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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