Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
