Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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