we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
