can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
