I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
