Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
