And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
