Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
