You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
