There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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